I’m 53. I still am not sure of what my real purpose is. When I think of my life ending, I am quite sure I’ve mostly wasted my time here.
I raised 4 and a half children and I thought that was my calling. I always believed I did a pretty great job of it as far as human mamas go, and that all I poured into our precious children over their growing up years would blossom into deep and abiding relationships with my adult children, who were all secure and successful in their lives.
Not so much…
I have been a mama since I was 22 years old. I gave it everything I had and figured I would do something with my talent and passion once my babies grew up and had their own lives. It became pretty easy to get behind my husband’s and children’s dreams and over a few decades, it got more and more difficult to remember what my dreams were. I also don’t mind admitting that being a cheerleader for my family wasn’t nearly as risky as going after my own dreams and perhaps failing miserably. Cheerleading is not only safe, it is lovely and encouraging, so I was just the good mama.
As I stand here, feeling as if it’s time to take a leap of faith and finally figure out what I’m here for, I’m overwhelmed with the pressure of this being my last hurrah. If I don’t get it right this time, then that’s pretty much it.
I feel as if I’m old and I don’t really have much to offer. I’m NOT saying this so others will tell me lovely things about my worth. This is the reality of my life. I don’t have many years left. At least 2/3 of my life has been lived. At Least. I’ve spent most of my life raising children. I’m an excellent teacher. It comes naturally to me, but I have absolutely no desire to ever work in a school system again. I don’t want to waste anymore time doing things that He’s not calling me to. I especially don’t want to work at a job because it pays a lot of money when I’m terribly unhappy and don’t feel called to work there. That’s a hard one for me.
I live in fear of this scenario:
I quit my job that pays quite well because I believe He has called me to step out in faith and over the following weeks, several things go wrong – car breaks down, one of the kids can’t make rent, my husband loses his job or gets sick and can’t work – and I realize my decision was based on my own selfishness and now my family is paying for my terrible mistake.
Do you feel me?… Irish guilt. It’s the worst…
Unfortunately, it may just be that satan knows exactly where I live. He knows that planting guilty thoughts and fear will keep me just where I’m at. It’s worked SO well for TOO long.
And while all of that is probably 100% spot on, still my fear of failure and hurting others is paralyzing.
My hope is that my dread of living my life with so little to show will overshadow the other fears and I will finally have the courage to leap into the unknown with nothing but faith and hope. I pray that when I fall on my face I remember to extend as much grace to myself as I have to my husband and children throughout the years. I want to be able to laugh at my mistakes, and then pick myself up, getting right back on the path He intended me to be on.
It’s funny to me that our 3 youngest children all have “faith” as their most dominate spiritual gift. I’ve always coveted people that have such strong faith. Recently my daughter (How did she get SO wise?!) reminded me that faith is like a muscle and we have to exercise it to strengthen it. It’s time to get my faith to the gym… and put my fears in His hands.
It sounds so easy. It’s not for me or else I wouldn’t be here at 53…
I’ve decided I’m going to watch this video once a week:
to remind me what determination and courage look like.
And then, I’ll watch this one: https://www.facebook.com/gatewayaustin/videos/10155175627423692
I think I’ll also make a poster of my age so that I remember I don’t have all the time in the world anymore.