When did that happen?!…

I’m going to be 50 in just 3 days.

Seriously… When the heck did THAT happen?!  I can tell I’m starting to experience a bit of a mid-life crisis.  I’m a bit unsatisfied with my life and how little it feels like I’ve accomplished.  I can’t really discuss this with my Honey or our kiddos because they all feel this need to make me feel better about what I’ve done with my life and that is the LAST thing I want to hear right now.  It feels like they’re patronizing me… in love, to be sure, but still, I don’t want to be made to feel better.  I want to be heard.  Acknowledged…  I realize I have hidden behind some very legitimate looking excuses during much of my adult life in order to avoid falling on my face in a smelly pile of failure and now, I just keep thinking, “So, Tricia, how’s that working for you?”

Do you ever feel like you have all that you need and/or want – You know, that “My cup runneth over” feeling?  When all of us are together – my Honey, our kids, the grandbaby – and everyone is getting along, there is this deep satisfaction and joy I feel overcome by.  It just washes over me and I do everything in my power to just savor every moment because I know it will end.  Someone will get angry, someone will let someone down or misunderstand someone or…  Life is so busy that it’s hard to catch those moments, to make time for them is a constant struggle.  Keeping the house reasonably clean, paying the bills, being a dedicated teacher, changing the cars’ oil, doing laundry, etc. – those things take most of the minutes from my day.

Then there are these other moments, usually in the early morning, when I wake up trying not to think/worry about all of the stuff mentioned above, and I start remembering that longing feeling to do something meaningful with my life.  Not something that will make me famous or anything like that.  I mean like REALLY being in His will and doing what He has planned for me.  I want to know what that is because I am so sure that I have veered off the path SO far during the past 5 or 6 years that I feel overwhelmed by how long it may take me just to get back to “Point A.”

I know that I have helped raise 5 truly amazing people.  I know that I am a very good teacher and I have touched many lives over the years.  My husband would tell you that I am a wife beyond his dreams.  All of that matters more than I can put into words.  But there’s more.  I know that there is because He put this longing in my being and I feel as if I will burst if I don’t start living in His will.  This isn’t a feeling that suddenly appeared on the “approaching 50 horizon.”  It’s been stirring in my soul for such a very, long time.  I hid from it for decades trying to be a picture perfect Christian wife, mother (step and biological), daughter (in-love and biological), and friend.  It’s a great way to look good and gain accolades, but He knows the truth, even when we’ve buried it SOOOOO deep that we believe the lie we are living in.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in being the Stepford family that when the ugly truth finally explodes all over the front yard and is headlined for the public, it takes a while to get back on our feet – heck, it takes a long time to roll over and even consider whether or not we even WANT to get back on our feet.  No One can tell you that you will be thankful for the ugly truth being exposed

at first.

But, the truth is, I am thankful and would not go back to being Mrs. Stepford for all of the tea in China.  I’m also lost in a way that is easy to live in much of the time.   After having all of my junk exposed and feeling forsaken by God, I found myself utterly lost.  I don’t trust myself completely, yet.  I’m struggling to find Him again because the old way doesn’t fit me anymore and there’s so much to keep me busy that complacency is  an easy friend.  And, honestly, it’s been years… and I’m almost 50…


4 Comments on “When did that happen?!…

  1. I literally just write about this today after seeing The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I just feel so weirdly unsettled sometimes, like there is supposed to be more somehow. Sometimes I seem to outsmart it by getting ahead of the feeling, and other times I feel myself slipping. I can’t trust that when I feel it, that it somehow means I’m off track… and sometimes that may be true. But there are other times that I am experiencing a longing that hurts but I believe is good.

    I can’t remember where but I remember reading somewhere that we have divine blood mingling in us along with our human blood, and the divine part of us longs and aches for more. I don’t know if this is true or not but it makes sense at some level that this is not our home.

    I find your honesty refreshing…and you are not alone in your yearning for something more.


  2. Tricia, I think you have some God given talent for writing. Genuine. Real. Authentic. If I’m not mistaken, I believe those are attributes that repeatedly get God’s attention… in a good way. Patrick


  3. Patrick,
    I just realized who you are! Thank you for your encouragement. Please keep telling me what you think. I value your opinion.


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